Saturday, January 06, 2007

And two steps back

I find how many people read my blog when I start writing about how badly I'm doing. It's really sweet and yet I feel guilty for worrying anyone. No matter how badly I'm feeling, it's highly unlikely that I'm going to actually really harm myself. Besides, I know that there are a few people who would kick my ass if I did.

That said, you may have picked up the fact that I've not been doing so well lately. I was having trouble focusing and playing with my friend's little girl when I went to visit. She wanted to play one of those repetitive I'm going to hide my stuff games and I couldn't deal. And I didn't have the presence of mind to suggest something else, like reading a book. Argh. And don't get me started on how I've been unable to cope with my students. And how I've been so, so critical of Ryan. Anyone who knows him will tell you how ridiculous that is.

I was supposed to go back to the shrink back in November, but I forgot and then couldn't bring myself to call and reschedule. I finally got an appointment for Jan 2nd and a refill called in for my meds. I'm not exaggerating when I say that there were at least ten phone calls involved.

Jan 2nd was one of the worst professional development days I've had to endure. Way to pump us up for the new semester! But I got to take off and go to the doctor. I couldn't remember what time my appointment was, but I was thinking 10:30. I couldn't get ahold of them to confirm so I just showed up. Apparently an hour and a half late. Bargleflickle! I was about to slink away in shame since this was the second time I had missed an appointment. They were kind enough to work me in for a little later. I sat on a comfy couch in the waiting room and read a book.

She asked me how I was doing and said that some things were much better. And some were a little, teeny, tiny bit better. Like my anxiety. Still a bad scene. She suggested doubling the medicine I'd been taking for that, with the option of tripling it in two weeks if I was still struggling. I know this sounds like a lot, but we're talking 200-300mg and the upper limit is somewhere in the thousands. She said I should know in two weeks if it's working or not. Whew. The SSRIs usually take about six weeks and that's a huge drag. Huge Drag. She also said in the future we could increase my anti-depressant if necessary, but we'd wait on that. I said I was going to try to exercise more and see how much that helps.

So... I went back to school feeling much better. And just in time to sit through some more about how I am the only reason a student will fail or succeed. I know that what I do is important and that I do have a big impact on these kids, but geez. I wish I truly had that much power. Sigh. Instead of going for lunch, we went to Starbucks. I got a milkshake since I'm trying to cut back on caffeine since it seems wrong to take anxiety medicine and then suck down Diet Coke.

By that evening, I was a great big mess. I asked Ryan if I was right in saying that I'd been having some anxiety problems and he said, yeah, it was really bad there for a while. I nearly cried with relief having worried that I was just some kind of whiner. And he never says anything negative about my moods. It helps that he's gone through a lot of this himself.

Later on, I was lying on the couch, feeling dizzy and whacked out. I had managed to make an elaborate dinner of salad and something else easy like chicken and rice. I was growling in my head that Ryan was paying more attention to Spiderman on TV. I wisely kept my mouth shut because I knew it was about what was going on in my head and not a husband who takes me for granted. Far from it. After dinner he cleaned the kitchen and came and patted my head. I apologized for being such a train wreck and he said it wasn't my fault. He's a good man.

The next morning I had a really hard time getting out of bed. I didn't say anything and Ryan suggested driving me to school. Since I had been so out of it that I was afraid of smashing all the dishes the night before, I accepted his offer. School went okay and I managed to not freak out. Even when a student started mouthing off to the interim principal who had stopped by. I felt like Ross after he takes the pills to help with his rage. Okay, not so bad, but it just didn't make my heart race and make me see red and shake.

The past few days have been a mix of being whacked out and also still having trouble with anxiety. I hate when I get all shaky. And have I mentioned the headaches? It's a common side effect when you're messing with brain candy, but it still sucks. And I've only driven once since Tuesday since I'm still kind of messed up. Think leaving the burners on after using the stove and dropping things and having my spatial skills messed up. Luckily, I have someone looking out for me.

So, there it is. My blog as a journal of my mental health. Sometimes I hope that someday I'll be "normal." I realize that I probably won't ever be and furthermore, I wouldn't be happy that way. Being normal, I mean. Healthy would be wonderful. And I am thankful for good general physical health.

And in related news, I have worked out twice this week. 65 minutes of cardio on Wednesday and 30 minutes of cardio and 40 of swimming this morning. I feel better about my body even though it's still puffier than I'd like. And I am officially overweight according to my health plan, although the National Body Challenge says I'm just on the edge. At any rate, I am enjoying the extra infusion of happy-brain chemicals.

So thanks for all the good thoughts and kind words. I'll keep you posted.


Lawfrog said...

Anxiety bites. I know what you're going through (intimately) and will keep a good thought for you. Thank God for medication...better living through chemistry. Page me on The Houston Board if you ever want to talk about it.

Kelli in the Mirror said...

So hard to know what to say when you don't know this stuff intimately. Fun cliches like "this too shall pass" come to mind and probably aren't helpful. :)
We love you. Gilly doesn't care that you didn't play with her "properly", whatever that is. You have no idea how many times I tell her I just don't want to, that she needs to please stop talking and go find something to do in her room. :) She can be quite exhausting, and is by no means a picture of your mental health if you're not in the mood to play.

Ann Marie said...

So sorry you've been down... I obviously hadn't read this blog before I saw you yesterday at the choir party. If you were still feeling down then, you sure put on a good show :) I hope you're feeling better.

zydeco fish said...

I think being normal is over-rated :-) This is the first time I have ever seen the word "Bargleflickle." I might have to start using it.