Thanks to everyone who's supported me through my ups and downs. On Monday I had my appointment with the psychiatrist. She asked me how I'd been, if I'd had any suicidal thoughts, etc. Incidentally, I technically did, but I don't count a fleeting moment followed by a) Ryan would resurrect me so he could kill me himself if I did something like that, especially while he was out of town and b) I didn't even have the energy to think anything practical beyond I'd like to give up. Please don't be frightened for me--there's a lot between wanting to give up and wanting to harm yourself. And I'm not in that place anymore.
Anyway, I did tell her about how interesting it was going off everything for two weeks. The first week I was feeling okay, even momentarily thinking that I could be without it. Haha. Also, ask anyone around me. By the second week I was starting to really, really remember why I thank my lucky stars for meds. I wasn't in danger, but I could barely function. I could go to work and prop myself on my desk. I could make it to the gym a few times a week and eat only if it was already prepared. On my birthday, my tentative plans with friends fell apart so I ended up eating sushi at home, while watching TV. Normally, that would have been fine, but that week I even called Ryan, who I had previously convinced that I was not 8 years old and we could celebrate my bday a day late so he could stay in NOLA for work, in tears. Sigh. It turned out fine, but I knew that I was heading someplace bad in terms of my brain chemistry.
(My birthday meal--note the little fish-shaped chopstick-holder & dishes, thanks to sis and BIL and handful of nuts, thanks to Manic. Ryan also had sushi that night and we pretended we were together.)
The dr. gave me some samples of the medicine. It's a patch that I have to change daily. It might seem to negate the benefits of a patch, but it's so it's not a pill that goes through my digestive tract. Meaning, at the dose I am currently on, I can eat aged cheese!!! Let's all hope the current dosage works!
The dr. did say some nice things about how I am the kind of patient who can be trusted to do this correctly and who could be trusted to do the 2-week "flush" properly and call if there were problems. The second part isn't so much my doing as my brain chemistry and my support network. I spent a couple nights a week with lil sis and her hubby so I wasn't alone too much and everyone made sure I was okay. That meant a lot. Later in the week we were at the regular dr's & she mentioned that I am very compliant, so that makes me a good candidate for something like this. :)
So, Monday afternoon after my appointment I went shopping. Ann Taylor Loft. I love sales and I love wearing a smaller size, especially there since I wear a small or a 6 (or 8 in pants). I got some fabulous capris and two cream colored shirts to match bottoms I've gotten lately. Once back in the car, I pulled out a patch and slapped it on my chest. The "best" place to put it is on your arm, but I was wearing a short-sleeved shirt and wasn't ready to go public with it. It is clear with the name of the drug and the dosage printed on it in white. After lunch I went to StupidTarget (Super Target) and bought that bathing suit I tried on a while ago. I bought the small because it's the size of the suit I already bought a few years ago that's the same style. Note to self: trying on suits with undies is good, right, and clean, but it makes you bulge in weird places so you'll look much better when you get home. Haha! That pleased me. I sat and waited for a lane at the club a little later and read my book. I refuse to share a lane after I kicked that poor woman in the butt a while ago. The patch was under the strap of my suit and it didn't come off.
I'm still working out the whole patch thing. The instructions say to put it on a clean, dry, oil-free, and hairless patch of skin. HAIRLESS? I am a mammal with a certain amount of Mediterranean heritage. I do not do hairless. I've been known to shave my legs twice in one day. Okay, okay, focus on luxurious, cascading locks swishing around my shoulders, and even reaching down to the center of my back. Yes! But I can still chuckle, right?
I'm feeling a little better, a few days on. I've been working out. I've been crying less. I'm still ridiculously irritable, although that could be due to the phase of the moon, if you get my drift. I'll keep you posted. Thanks for all the support and good wishes.