Friday, January 25, 2008
Do not poke the crazy lady!
Perhaps I am the star of a new reality show a la Candid Camera. Seriously. Yesterday at the health club was the freak parade. First, I get all suited up, swim cap, goggles, the whole nine yards and realize I am like a 4 year old and suddenly desperately have to use the loo. So, I go into the first stall and do my business. While I am in there, two women walk in and which of the four empty stalls do they choose? Of course, the ones closest to me. WHY??? Next, I go to the pool area and it's full. Four lanes of adults and one of kids. In theory I don't mind the kids, but it does chap my hide that the club rented out one of the five lanes at peak afternoon/early-evening hours. I know I'm evil and most days I think the little ones are adorable (except for the one kid who screams in terror for 30 minutes straight) and I hate that one lane anyway. It's next to the wall and I'm always hitting it with my arms and legs. But that means that I have to share. I do not like to share. No one likes to share with me and my (literally) ass-kicking legs. So... I sat down at the end of the lanes and stretched a little. I was just going to wait. Two girls came up a little later and they were waiting, too. The boy in the see-through suit* in the lane directly in front of me stood up and then swam under the lanes toward the steps. Note, this was also through the kiddie lane. Hello, there are other people in the universe. I waited about 3 seconds before I got in and started swimming. Ah, the problems of the day seemed to just slide off my back. About 10 minutes later, things started heating up. The two girls decided to share a lane and a guy who came in decided to share a lane with someone else. He JUMPED into the 3-foot deep pool and then started swimming like he was battling the surf or something. Right next to me. In the far lane, the guy finally got out and stood there on the lip of the pool. Standing. For about 10 minutes. Still technically in the water and therefore still HOGGING THE LANE. He was replaced by two teenagerish kids with a coach. A. Coach. They had to jump up and down the entire length of the pool and then stand at one end for a while. Doing who knows what. I don't know that I ever saw them actually swim. Then I look down and this man has gotten into the pool at the end of my lane. Granted, except for the little kid, I was the only one not sharing. And he was probably thinking, skinny little bitch better share with me. So I did for a while and he got all up in my caboose because I was swimming much slower than he was because I WAS NOT WEARING FLIPPERS ON ALL FOUR APPENDAGES. Just an observation. Things escalated from there. I didn't say anything to him like, I am insane, having a bad day, will probably kick you unintentionally, want to kick you intentionally, so swim at your own risk. I started doing a crazy freestyle-two-breaths-across-the-pool-style and after about two lengths I was tired and sick of being shoved up against the lane divider and the guy on the other side who had changed to some kind of back-style-butterfly type maneuver. I wanted to smack him. And his thrusting pelvis. Seriously, people, I love this place and I love all the colorful (including rainbow-colored) people who come there, but they were all WAY TOO CLOSE to me. So, I finally just got out, grabbed my shower shoes, towel and stomped over to the hot tub. I hung all that plus my goggles on a hook and got in. I decided that I had to calm down. Choose to calm down. Flipper had every right to share the lane. And the weird lady sitting on the steps next to the kids wasn't glaring at me. I didn't have contacts in anyway, right? I am crazy, but I kept all the evil thoughts to myself. (Until now) And I did swim for 20 minutes, which is not 45 like I wanted, but still 20, which is great. So, I'm sitting there, zoning, concentrating on how good it feels and how it's shut out almost all the noise. I still had my swim cap on and it covered most of my ears. There was one dude way over near the stairs and the mean-glaring lady got in. She was sitting over by the stairs and then... if you know me and my crazy-magnet, I looked over and she was sitting about 18 inches away from me. NEXT TO ME. NEXT TO THE CRAZY LADY. I should have been looking for the hidden cameras at this point. I just growled and turned and sat on the other side and down a way. I noticed her stomp out about a minute later. I stayed in the hot tub a while longer to let her get a chance to get in and out of the shower so she couldn't choose the stall next to mine rather than one of the other 12--that's happened to me before. I showered, changed, and on my way out decided to weigh myself. 165. Not bad. So, all in all, I was glad that I went, but jeez. It was like, see how far we can push the crazy lady day. Maybe I didn't see the sign above me that was offering cash prizes if someone managed to make my head explode. * You could see London, France, and the particular neighborhoods, and the, um, train... See. Through. Who knew there was something worse than a Speedo?