Monday, March 31, 2008
Yesterday. Not good. I am ashamed to say how bad it was. I was at odds with the physical world and it was at odds with me. I would extend my arm out in front of me and it would inexplicably flail and smack the door a foot to the side. Waaa? It was a festival of dropping, breaking, falling, being unable to grasp or twist or... squeeze the trigger on a spray bottle and not have it pour all over my hands. There was shouting, screaming, and swearing. None at Ryan, although more near him than I would have liked. I was very, very angry with him and wanted to stay away from him lest I let him know how I felt. At least I had that much sense. He is human, he has his flaws, but this was not about that. This was about my head. After much screaming and crying and telling him some of the scary thoughts in my head, he went to his softball game. By the time he came home I had calmed down a lot. Sometimes I think it's chemical, sometimes I think it's just my inability to deal with frustration. Sometimes I feel like such a colossal failure. I can list all of the things that I can't do, especially the ones I used to be able to do, but mostly the things that have always been wrong with me. Today was another bad day. My kids turned in the research paper they spent the last 6 weeks not writing on Friday. Out of 120 kids I got about 47. This counts for 2 test grades. I feel like lying down on the floor and crying. And don't get me started on how it's a literary criticism paper and not a biography. I told a friend that maybe when I said, "this is not a biography," they heard "ma mwah ma mwah mwah biography mwah mwah." This of course signals the return of my sense of humor portion of the day. My "trailer class" (the repeaters) was good today and actually sort of read on their own. Shocking. And then this "tough" girl played a Strawberry Shortcake song for me. The next class was my last class--they were taking a test, which meant I could sit in the front and stare--or work on my plans for the rest of the week--or stare. And one of my students walks in with flowers. For me. To thank me for tutoring him during lunch over the course of a few months. He needed help with one of the state exit level exams and I used to
steal all the materials from my friend teach a prep course, so I tried. I want to give him most of the credit. He just wanted it really badly. The seniors have one more shot to pass these tests before graduation in June. So, this one thing did make me feel very good. And like I told him, the news alone was enough to make my day.
And then I came home and went grocery shopping and Ryan is working on stuff for a class that he's teaching tomorrow and I am being quiet here on the couch. Nice after my terrible weekend. Plus, it's our anniversary tomorrow.