Sunday, December 26, 2010

Protect us from all anxiety

You all know what a giant anxious freak I can be and pregnancy has only made it worse. I do things to try to keep things in perspective, but sometimes I am thwarted in my plans to attempt to be a sane, rational human. Plus, I realize that I have a lifetime of worry and fear if I let myself. After all, at least now I always know where he is, right? Eventually he's going to have a driver's license! Eek! (Although his daddy already said he's not getting a car until he's 18 because daddy did and had no business driving...)

Anyway... something specific set this off. In addition to the ultrasound where we saw Little Man and his boy parts and his arms and legs and all of that, he was hiding his heart. Like I said before, we're going back for further tests and I'm feeling surprisingly confident about that. Just a hunch.

The thing I wasn't prepared for was the position of his placenta. Not ideal, shall we say. There's a scary term for it that I'm not going to put here lest someone trolling the internet finds it in a search and feels the need to terrify me. My doc said she's not concerned at this point. Possibly some minor spotting and the ol' RhoGAM shot, but I need that soon anyway. In most cases, it moves out of the way and it's not a big deal. In a few months, it's a BIGDAMNDEAL, but we're not to that point. And did I mention that it usually moves?

Once home, I decided to check out the BabyCenter message board for people due the same month as I am (because I hate myself, my blood pressure was low, and...) and someone had posted about this condition. She asked if anyone had been diagnosed and it meant an early c-section. She didn't say that she had it and looked like not only did she not have it, she was only about three months along (so why on this board?) and had just lost her baby. I was very sad for her, but wondered why she was posting "information" about a scary topic that couldn't have caused her loss. Anyway, we won't get into the psychology there.

On that page, the website posted helpful "related topics," one of which was this condition. It spent one paragraph addressing what my doctor said and what is the experience of 90+% of women at this point. It spent the rest of three pages talking about catastrophic outcomes, c-sections at 26 weeks, bed rest for months, hemorrhages before, during, and after labor... I am usually better about reading things on the internet, but that TOTALLY freaked me out.

I ended up pulling out my Our Bodies, Ourselves pregnancy book, with all of its scary pictures and information and they were pretty calm about it. They said the same as my doc and had a small separate section about what can happen later in pregnancy if it doesn't "fix" itself. Calm, matter of fact, here are the facts, educate yourself, but DANG, is it necessary to tell the absolutely worst case scenario known to modern science?

So, hopefully when I go back for the ultrasound in a few weeks the ol' thing will have moved "out the way," as Ryan says. In the meantime, what the heck is the point of worrying about it? I can't do anything about it. Worrying won't help. Right now I am trying to focus some of my nervous energy into putting together the nursery (or as much as I can before daddy puts in baby's new cork floor) in case I should be put on bed rest. Besides bleeding to death, obviously, this is my second major concern. As much as I want my kid to be healthy, I also like getting paid. Plus, as lazy as I am, being confined drives me bonkers.

Ah well, whatever it takes to get this baby cooked for the optimum amount of time, right? Truly.

In the meantime, the internet (aka baby sites and their "Christmas Foods That Will Kill You and Your Baby" * emails) are dead to me. I know enough about this condition, so no more "research" and I will. not. stress. about this. Period.

In the meantime, Mr. Man has been kicking me more and more. Too bad he can't kick the stupid thing up and away, right? Seriously, though, it's great to feel him moving. And as much as I say I can't wait to meet him, I can and I WILL.

* only a slight paraphrase. Seriously, they send these alarmist emails a few times a week. Unsubscribe.


Karen said...

I know how you feel. I got all these alarmist emails and crazy advice when I was pregnant with James. Hearing all the horror stories just freaked me out and made me paranoid. It got worse even when he arrived b/c I was struggling with breast feeding and getting a lot of misinformation from someone I trusted who turned out to have a Martyr complex.

The bottom line Katherine, worry about what you can worry about and try not to sweat the little stuff. Your doctor and Ryan will take very good care of you and baby S will arrive just fine, and all in good time.
Love you!

Lolo said...

I agree with Karen!

Lawfrog said...

You are going to worry. You will worry about his development in the womb, you will worry about his development when he is born, you will worry about his breaking his arm when he climbs a little too high in the tree. You will worry about his grades when he gets a little too interested in girls and a little less interested in school. You will worry about his heart being broken by his first girlfriend. But always, you will know that God is with him and that He has given this child you as a mother because He knows that you are perfect for the job.

You cannot help but worry. It is part of your makeup as a mom and God understands that. He will help you through the anxiety you are feeling now and He will help you through the anxiety to come that is a natural part of being a mother.

I sometimes feel it is a good thing to just give in to the anxiety. Know that it is going to come and let it wash over you, pray about it, then go forward. It is easier than fighting it and I think we can better cope with the anticipation of it that way sometimes. Praying for you and your little one. I know all will be well!

Lainey-Paney said...

Well, here's some more unsolicited advice: if you DO have to go on bedrest, don't think that spending a ton of money of knitting supplies & a book entitled "Teach Yourself to Knit" is a good idea. I'm here to tell ya---knitting is a lot freaking harder than it looks!

Bedrest....not so bad.
C-section...not so bad.
So see, even your worst fears: been there, done that, & it wasn't SOOOO Bad. {hey, it wasn't great either, but it wasn't SOOO bad...}

And fo' real, yo: how on earth can you spend more time researching this stuff when CLEARLY there are waaaay more websites that want to sell you cute baby stuff????!!!! That's where you need to put your energy: finding the best deals, the best reviewed products, and your simply must-have items. Then share them with all of us!

Mary~Momathon said...

I had that too. But, like you said, the place of attachment moved up and all was well. I understand that anxiety thing, mine too was accentuated thanks to horror stories, myths and hormones. I was lucky enough to have hundreds of irrational worries, so they all kind of equalized each other. Anyway... here's to growing in the right direction!

I was at Target the other day and guess what I saw on clearance! Yes!!! Your baby bedding! Very adorable!

Kate said...

You ladies are so wonderful!

Lainey-Painey--thanks, that helps a lot. It's going to be okay. And I've been spending some time shopping online and researching all the tiny cute things!

Mary, I'm so glad to hear about your experience, too! I'm hoping that happens with me, too. I love that you saw the boy's bedding! I was all ready for ruffles and bows, but I am surprised by how much I am getting into the boy stuff.